I know I’m supposed to write about shit but my heart hasn’t been in it lately. I think I’m going through some quarterlife crisis. I wonder how other people deal with being unemotional? It makes me feel worse. Even the shit I’m taking right now isn’t helping. I fear I’ve backed myself into a corner of feelings. Nasty feelings. Feelings that learned their ruthlessness from Mike Tyson or something.
I can’t figure out why my bedroom at home always smells like fart. I haven’t been here for 2 weeks and since I doubt people go in there to fart, why does it always smell like fart? Maybe it’s from my dirty clothes…but they usually smell like me-funk and not fart.
WARNING: VALENTINE ALERT!
Earlier this month, I got sick. It was bad. It was my dad’s birthday and since we’re poor we didn’t go out to dinner but I made my dad tacos and margaritas. It was fucking delicious. Unfortunately I had to taste those lovely tacos for a second time…at my friend’s house. It was terrible to say the least.
It was like the tacos still tasted good but with a side of bile. It was gross. Tacos are by far the worst thing to throw up. Well I’m sure there’s worse but these were bad because they were so fucking delicious. I’m sure durian would be horrid on the way up but I’m not fucking Asian nor do I know where to get durian so why would I be eating it to throw up? I think eating it would make me throw up. Why am I talking about durian? I can’t imagine fried chicken would be pleasant. So I got sick. Then my mom got sick a couple days later. It was terrible. I still feel so bad, like I had ruined an otherwise enjoyable evening with my amazingly-better-than-yours friends.
- The first vom was that explosive, Exorcist-esque, projectile vomit into the toilet. I was amazed and scared.
- I’m the type of person who can’t throw up once and be done. It was a marathon. I barely survived.
- If not for my awesome friend driving me home my beloved Mazda would smell horrible.
- It was coming out both ends. At the same time. Why do people bother with wire mesh trashcans?
- It is not possible to throw up in your mouth without throwing up out of your mouth eventually. Ugh.
- Never tell a brother whose humor is similar to yours that you thought you were done eating tacos. At least they weren’t fish amirite?
I’m so sorry I wrote this now.
I’m fluent in sleep farts. I wonder if my neighbor can hear them. Needless to say (I guess not really since I’m about to say it), it makes sleepovers VERY DIFFICULT. It’s like walking on eggshells if that was after you peeled them off a boiled egg (barf), ate the egg, then tried not to shit your pants all night. I enjoy sleeping. I enjoy a good sleep fart. I enjoy time with my friends. I do not enjoy spending time with my friends over the night when I would normally be farting my sorrows away in the privacy of my own bedroom.
This is why farts shouldn’t be talked about.
I don’t like talking about farts. Something about expelling gas from my bottom isn’t as appealing for discussion as solids/liquids are. In any event, they happen…a lot. I think I’m more gassy when it’s my ladytime. That’s what I call my period since apparently I’m 5 and don’t like calling it my period but whatever. Anyway, during my ladytime everything goes to crap down there. So many sights and sounds. It’s gross. I should be used to it by now? I’m not. So, farts. I guess growing up with men they’re expected. I love how my dad is always surprised by his. Like really dude? I know when that’s about to happen. I feel that bubble of air blow up and that’s when I promptly suck it back in. I wonder if holding in farts will have the same effect as sneezes. I don’t think I’ll fart out my mouth though. I also don’t think my mom farts. At all. I’m surprised she poops. I think she’s a robot honestly. The worst farts are the ones that smell like dog farts and make you question every single thing you ate for the past week. Unfortunately, those happen more often than not for me. I think it’s my steady diet of ramen and various other carbs. At times I’ve considered going vegetarian just so my farts and shit smell a little less like farts and shit. Apparently it smells better and stuff. I don’t know. That’s tempting fate. Like how Chinese food always (not really but I like sesame chicken so yeah fuck off) has cabbage+broccoli…I struggle with those meals. But if I became a vegetarian I’d have to wear flannel and Birkenstocks and stuff…or I guess I’d have to wear more of that stuff? I admit to dressing a little butch. I LIKE SENSIBLE SHOES. So yeah. Farts stink.
Fuck grades. My biochem prof tried to get all zen on us the day before our final last week…now his class is the only one I still haven’t gotten a grade for. Come on man. I just need to know if I passed…that’s all that really matters. Douchebag.
CHICKEN. ON. STICK.
Submitted by imfrant
I absolutely fucking hate this new cunt of an Asian roommate. This stupid fucking bitch doesn’t know how to clean up after herself or her rat-faced boyfriend. Or hey, you’re washing clothes? That’s really fucking great but I have a fucking final at 8am tomorrow, you think you could get your shit that’s been in there since last night you stupid bitch? I don’t know about her boyfriend, but I (my parents) pay the rent here, does he? He can do his nasty ass laundry somewhere else. I got shit to do. Stupid fucking sophomore cunt. This place will go to shit after we graduate. Why did ex-Asian roommate have to move? At least she was clean and baked awesome cookies.